There is a strong sense of emptiness in a world without my soulmates.

It's been only few days and I am already feeling the pangs of loneliness. Suddenly a world has emerged wherein those are no more in my vicinity nor in any horizons. Initially it was an assurance of them being there... whatever the distance between us.. and today, that distance has grown the longest, the widest!!! Initially I used to take a walk all alone by myself and I knew they are walking besides me... and today, I walk alone literally!!!

A few days back, I opened my album and saw our pictures and I wondered whether that was a reality or a dream!!! It seemed like centuries ago....

Ansh... Shampz... Mann... Tinu....

Without them, everything seems so very empty... meaningless...

Every story has an end. There is no thing such as a never-ending story.

True.

Well... Today is His birthday... And I haven't wished Him as yet... through formal communications mode... In my heart I prayed for Him... I asked God to give Him Their company, because He truly belongs to Them and not us... I prayed for His wellness, prayed that God give Him the strength to be a little more expressive, because I know, He doesn't express much... never letting anyone have the faintest idea of the pain that He might be passing through... He always manages to hide his innermost expressions in the most wonderful way... Only His silence speaks, that is if only one could hear it... He has never learnt to say no to anyone... and, perhaps, that is why He lands Himself in troubles all the time... but ofcourse, for Him, they are never troubles, just another opportunity to make a difference in someone's life... in His own divine way... He goes on giving to everyone and anyone without being asked... a part of Himself... through His smiles, through His care, through His mere presence for someone, somewhere...

"If it must be so,let's not weep or complain
If I have failed,or you,or life turned sullen.
We have had these things,they do not come again,
But the flag still flies and the city has not fallen."

-Humbert Wolfe

Found these words on a friend's blog entry.

"What's new?"

"What's new?" He asked me today.

And like always - I had no answer. Or rather for the past so many years, the answer has remained same. There's never anything new happening in my life. Or that I am not making it happen in my own way. Everyday it's the same routine of work, work and more work. I meet the same people, at the same place and more so at the same time, too!!! I have become so much attuned to the routine that I now know, who will speak what, when and how.

There's absolutely nothing new happening in my life. Rather, I am stuck to it for the last so many years. There are some things that never get resolved. The more I think about those matters, the more complicated it seems. Moreover I feel that I am living someone else's dream. I have always lived other's dream. In the process, I have completely lost my self - my very self.
I would have loved to do so many things, but there is always a moral dilemma that makes me short of doing anything new. Because most of those things do not pertain to my profession or to my office. So I always feel that I wouldn't be doing justice to my profession. My work. I have really lost myself bit by bit all these years. I could see it coming.

Or am I just looking at one side of the coin? Isn't grass supposed to be greener on the other side of the fence?

It never gets resolved. It just pushes me further into the labyrinth.

I know the reason for all this. Maybe I am just not courageous enough to accept it. Nor bold enough to make amends.

So there's absolutely nothing new happening in my life. Perhaps, there might be in my death!!! Who knows!!!

Shift+Delete

It's a clean slate. Once again. Everything that was connected with that place has been erased. At one stroke. I have, consciously, erased everything that was connected with them. Even a single thin thread could lead to the re-connection. From their messages to their numbers, and numbers of all those with whom I was connected to solely because of them. Everything's been erased. Alas, I would never have a chance to know a few of those connections - those, whom I had hoped to meet one fine day. Now, that day would never come.

I am ready for all their curses. It's a matter of fact for me now. I gather curses of all and sundry along the way. But sooner or later, they turn out to be blessings in disguise!!!

What was it that they had clung to? Was it my love for them? Ofcourse not - because it was all so made up!!! And ofcourse, one of them knew it from the beginning!!! That one had categorically mentioned "It looks so much plastic, so unreal and so fake..." And I had smiled then - one more of my plastic smile.

And yet, the web grew.

What was it, then?

Their own expectations.

Their own blissful hopes.

Their own gratification.

I guess so.

If everything was their own - what was mine??? Virtually - nothing. Absolutely nothing.

If there was nothing of mine with them, then what have they got to lose? Obviously - nothing.

The loss - if I can call it that - is wholly mine. And no one has a claim on it.

Cheers to the end of one story. Cheers to the beginning of another.