"... hope you get what you are going for!!!"

...is what his message said. Very profound. He knows what am I going for. Am I going for some spiritual attainment or am I going for some personal atonement? I myself wouldn't know this at this point in time. But his message has surely triggered a thought process which will bring me face-to-face with my purpose...

***

He is related to me in three different ways. And I met him after years. Our paths just crossed. For the brief moments that he met me, he filled up the gap of years that passed by between our meetings. And what a transformation it had brought in him. I could sense in him the urgency of climbing from youth to adolescent to a gentleman. He seemed to have moved quiet naturally from one state to another. His thought process, his mannerisms, his language, all told me that he has matured much beyond his age. And how!!! I was glad to meet him.

***

It was one of my close friend's birthday yesterday. Close enough for having talked to each other for about now 2-3 long years. Nevertheless, the first thing I did in the morning was to wish that friend. Not expecting any thing back in turn, to my utter surprise, the friend called back. After all these years.

It only cemented one of my core belief once again. Some people never change!!!

"I asked you a very pertinent question today... Pertinent to my life... Maybe yours as well... It was definitely not out of any emotional drain up nor was it out of any extremist feelings... It was something that I always wanted to say, but could not somehow make myself confess it to you... Fear of rejection... fear of losing your respect... held me back all these years... But then how long could I have hold on to my feelings for you... I considered it prudent to convey it to you rather than not conveying it at all... I understand you are a free bird and I would let you the same... Though I would be glad if you would reciprocate it (It's one time in my life that I would like to be selfish here), you have your free will... Whatever be your decision, I hope you would give enough space to rationality - or the irrationality, depending on which side of the fence you are - in your decision making process... And yes, if you choose otherwise, nothing's gonna change between the two of us - the sanctity of our divine relationship...will remain forever... We had started with God... As in God I hope we know what we are doing... "

There is a strong sense of emptiness in a world without my soulmates.

It's been only few days and I am already feeling the pangs of loneliness. Suddenly a world has emerged wherein those are no more in my vicinity nor in any horizons. Initially it was an assurance of them being there... whatever the distance between us.. and today, that distance has grown the longest, the widest!!! Initially I used to take a walk all alone by myself and I knew they are walking besides me... and today, I walk alone literally!!!

A few days back, I opened my album and saw our pictures and I wondered whether that was a reality or a dream!!! It seemed like centuries ago....

Ansh... Shampz... Mann... Tinu....

Without them, everything seems so very empty... meaningless...

Every story has an end. There is no thing such as a never-ending story.

True.

Well... Today is His birthday... And I haven't wished Him as yet... through formal communications mode... In my heart I prayed for Him... I asked God to give Him Their company, because He truly belongs to Them and not us... I prayed for His wellness, prayed that God give Him the strength to be a little more expressive, because I know, He doesn't express much... never letting anyone have the faintest idea of the pain that He might be passing through... He always manages to hide his innermost expressions in the most wonderful way... Only His silence speaks, that is if only one could hear it... He has never learnt to say no to anyone... and, perhaps, that is why He lands Himself in troubles all the time... but ofcourse, for Him, they are never troubles, just another opportunity to make a difference in someone's life... in His own divine way... He goes on giving to everyone and anyone without being asked... a part of Himself... through His smiles, through His care, through His mere presence for someone, somewhere...

"If it must be so,let's not weep or complain
If I have failed,or you,or life turned sullen.
We have had these things,they do not come again,
But the flag still flies and the city has not fallen."

-Humbert Wolfe

Found these words on a friend's blog entry.

"What's new?"

"What's new?" He asked me today.

And like always - I had no answer. Or rather for the past so many years, the answer has remained same. There's never anything new happening in my life. Or that I am not making it happen in my own way. Everyday it's the same routine of work, work and more work. I meet the same people, at the same place and more so at the same time, too!!! I have become so much attuned to the routine that I now know, who will speak what, when and how.

There's absolutely nothing new happening in my life. Rather, I am stuck to it for the last so many years. There are some things that never get resolved. The more I think about those matters, the more complicated it seems. Moreover I feel that I am living someone else's dream. I have always lived other's dream. In the process, I have completely lost my self - my very self.
I would have loved to do so many things, but there is always a moral dilemma that makes me short of doing anything new. Because most of those things do not pertain to my profession or to my office. So I always feel that I wouldn't be doing justice to my profession. My work. I have really lost myself bit by bit all these years. I could see it coming.

Or am I just looking at one side of the coin? Isn't grass supposed to be greener on the other side of the fence?

It never gets resolved. It just pushes me further into the labyrinth.

I know the reason for all this. Maybe I am just not courageous enough to accept it. Nor bold enough to make amends.

So there's absolutely nothing new happening in my life. Perhaps, there might be in my death!!! Who knows!!!