There is a strong sense of emptiness in a world without my soulmates.

It's been only few days and I am already feeling the pangs of loneliness. Suddenly a world has emerged wherein those are no more in my vicinity nor in any horizons. Initially it was an assurance of them being there... whatever the distance between us.. and today, that distance has grown the longest, the widest!!! Initially I used to take a walk all alone by myself and I knew they are walking besides me... and today, I walk alone literally!!!

A few days back, I opened my album and saw our pictures and I wondered whether that was a reality or a dream!!! It seemed like centuries ago....

Ansh... Shampz... Mann... Tinu....

Without them, everything seems so very empty... meaningless...

Every story has an end. There is no thing such as a never-ending story.

True.

Well... Today is His birthday... And I haven't wished Him as yet... through formal communications mode... In my heart I prayed for Him... I asked God to give Him Their company, because He truly belongs to Them and not us... I prayed for His wellness, prayed that God give Him the strength to be a little more expressive, because I know, He doesn't express much... never letting anyone have the faintest idea of the pain that He might be passing through... He always manages to hide his innermost expressions in the most wonderful way... Only His silence speaks, that is if only one could hear it... He has never learnt to say no to anyone... and, perhaps, that is why He lands Himself in troubles all the time... but ofcourse, for Him, they are never troubles, just another opportunity to make a difference in someone's life... in His own divine way... He goes on giving to everyone and anyone without being asked... a part of Himself... through His smiles, through His care, through His mere presence for someone, somewhere...

"If it must be so,let's not weep or complain
If I have failed,or you,or life turned sullen.
We have had these things,they do not come again,
But the flag still flies and the city has not fallen."

-Humbert Wolfe

Found these words on a friend's blog entry.

"What's new?"

"What's new?" He asked me today.

And like always - I had no answer. Or rather for the past so many years, the answer has remained same. There's never anything new happening in my life. Or that I am not making it happen in my own way. Everyday it's the same routine of work, work and more work. I meet the same people, at the same place and more so at the same time, too!!! I have become so much attuned to the routine that I now know, who will speak what, when and how.

There's absolutely nothing new happening in my life. Rather, I am stuck to it for the last so many years. There are some things that never get resolved. The more I think about those matters, the more complicated it seems. Moreover I feel that I am living someone else's dream. I have always lived other's dream. In the process, I have completely lost my self - my very self.
I would have loved to do so many things, but there is always a moral dilemma that makes me short of doing anything new. Because most of those things do not pertain to my profession or to my office. So I always feel that I wouldn't be doing justice to my profession. My work. I have really lost myself bit by bit all these years. I could see it coming.

Or am I just looking at one side of the coin? Isn't grass supposed to be greener on the other side of the fence?

It never gets resolved. It just pushes me further into the labyrinth.

I know the reason for all this. Maybe I am just not courageous enough to accept it. Nor bold enough to make amends.

So there's absolutely nothing new happening in my life. Perhaps, there might be in my death!!! Who knows!!!

Shift+Delete

It's a clean slate. Once again. Everything that was connected with that place has been erased. At one stroke. I have, consciously, erased everything that was connected with them. Even a single thin thread could lead to the re-connection. From their messages to their numbers, and numbers of all those with whom I was connected to solely because of them. Everything's been erased. Alas, I would never have a chance to know a few of those connections - those, whom I had hoped to meet one fine day. Now, that day would never come.

I am ready for all their curses. It's a matter of fact for me now. I gather curses of all and sundry along the way. But sooner or later, they turn out to be blessings in disguise!!!

What was it that they had clung to? Was it my love for them? Ofcourse not - because it was all so made up!!! And ofcourse, one of them knew it from the beginning!!! That one had categorically mentioned "It looks so much plastic, so unreal and so fake..." And I had smiled then - one more of my plastic smile.

And yet, the web grew.

What was it, then?

Their own expectations.

Their own blissful hopes.

Their own gratification.

I guess so.

If everything was their own - what was mine??? Virtually - nothing. Absolutely nothing.

If there was nothing of mine with them, then what have they got to lose? Obviously - nothing.

The loss - if I can call it that - is wholly mine. And no one has a claim on it.

Cheers to the end of one story. Cheers to the beginning of another.

Classic.

This novel keeps on coming to my mind - again and again - One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey. I have it right here with me, but somehow could not go beyond a few pages. And the name keeps coming back.

I wonder why.

15B, Jubilee Park.

Closed in the deepest crevices of my heart lies an address that is etched forever.

From here starts many a story.

Soul connection...

Can it ever happen that you are constantly thinking about some person - day in and day out - so much so that, the person lives in your sub-conscious mind with you - and one fine day - just for a brief moment, his soul enters you???

I sincerely think, it's possible. I mean, it may happen, if the magnitude is too strong to cut off the barriers of time and distance.

For those brief moments, you feel, you think, you act and you become - him/her. This is not to say some spooky things. But a sincere way of putting - may be what I experienced the other day when I felt cherubic... May be - yes - it's possible. Because, it isn't the first time I have felt that person...

And when it does happen, you are changed... for better....

Being cherubic...

It's a simple feeling... And it comes once in a while.... Feel like an angel today... I do not know the reason, but I felt it suddenly when I was crossing the road in the evening... I felt I've got wings on me... Felt much lighter and most perfectly divine... It was just a passing moment... And yet I lived a lifetime in that moment... It certainly changed something in me... I saw people passing and smiling - through - me... What was it that had changed in me in just a couple of moments? I do not know, neither do I want to know ... In that one moment, I felt everything was perfect... Just the way as it should be... I was not angry at the motorists' honks... I was smiling an angel's smile and quite a few people noticed this, I guess ('Coz they smiled back at me!!!)... all bitter emotions locked up in my heart, evaporated... everything and everyone were forgiven... rather I blessed them all for passing - through - me.... an amazing feeling of lightness... Aah!!! This is the closest I felt like God!!!

Khuda ka shukra hai...

...goes one of the most melodious ghazals sung by Pankaj Udhas that I've ever heard... Somehow, I immediately get into the trance... Kaise guzarti shaam...!!! Sometimes, sharaab is your best companion in the evening.... I have heard a lot of ghazals on "sharaab" and I must say, I like most of them... Everyone, transmits you to another world... Just the same way as an intoxicated person when he is in his trance... Here's the lyrics of that most amazing ghazal.... (must have heard a thousand times!!!!)

Khuda ka shukra hai varna gujarti kaise shaam - 2
sharaab jisne banaayi (use hamara salaam) - 2 ) - 3

ye jeete ji hi karati hai sair jannat ki - 3
isiliye hi to shayad hui sharab haraam - 2
sharab jisane banayi (use hamara salam) - 2
khuda ka shukra hai varna gujarti kaise shaam

ye maikhana hai yaha ka nizaam ultaa hai - 3
jo ladkhada na saka peeke ho gaya badnaam - 2
sharab jisane banayi (use hamara salam) - 2
khuda ka shukra hai varna gujarti kaise shaam

sharab itani sharifaana cheez hai aalam - 3
ke peeke aadami sach bolta hai subhaho sham- 2
sharab jisane banayi (use hamara salam) - 2
khuda ka shukra hai varna gujarti kaise shaam

I am still in the trance.....

Mystery.. Or just plain Ignorance??

You only know - that - which the other person wants you to know about him... Other things, you will just never know... And you will keep guessing the rest of your life... !!!

Quietness...

It has been quiet within - for some last few days. It slowly creeps in everyday, as I take a walk down the empty roads all by myself. A sense of emptiness fills my heart as I see the world passing by me. There are lots of lights on the roads. Celebration is in the air as every other day, there is one festival or the other over here. I see people laughing - their half hearted attempts to lose themselves for a brief time frame from the reality. I see people making merry, people eating, buying clothes, buying gadgets and every other thing that is on sale. I have time and again tried to find a rational behind this but my mind seems to have given up long before.

What is it that they are walking upto - or rather walking away from? Why do their faces gleam with merriment, but their souls so empty? Why do they walk as if, they are in deep slumber?

And then the sum of it all, percolates, as I take a turn on the long stretched 100 feet road. With barely any belongings, clinging to her heart, I see her. I see her everyday, at the same spot. Her old age has long before defeated her body. With a wrinkled face, half broken glasses, she calls for alms. Her voice is no match for the din of her surroundings. Once in a while someone throws a penny here and a penny there. And I wonder, at the paradox of life unfolding before me. Paradox between the haves and the have-nots!!!

My heart has thousand questions about her. What fate would have brought her here? Would her children must have thrown her out in her old age? Would she have lost her way in the crowd? Would she be suffering from some life-threatening disease and left by her very own people here to die? Does she really deserve this fate at her age? Or is it just her 'karma' playing it's part?

Deep as I may allow my heart to dig about her, my mind shields away any 'charitable thought'. In the most extraordinary way, my mind - always - wins over!!!

This quietness only makes me more uncomfortable. I have tried avoiding myself to take that route - but my feet invariably takes me there, everyday. And this quietness grows!!!

Something inside me has died forever.

For my 'special friends'...

It was a long day for me, the day when I went to Kalyan for some office work. While returning back, I chose not my routine way back from Thane, but instead thought of taking the new route, via Diva Junction and Vasai Road. I did not know then, that it would turn out to be one of the most memorable days of my life.

The train was scheduled to leave only at 5.55 p.m. I had completed my work at about 4.00 at Kalyan and caught the slow local to Diva. It was well, almost more than an hour's wait that the train was due. Being a junction, Diva has about 5 platforms, most of them being empty most of the times. Diva-Vasai local was to leave from platform no.4. I crossed over the over-bridge and sat on the steps at platform No. 4, giving me a magnificent view of trains passing by. Except for a few people, the station looked empty and deserted.

I took few long walks along the length and breadth of the platform measuring the extremes a couple of times. When I turned back to return for one last time before the train arrived, I saw the two of them coming towards me.

Dressed in their school uniforms, they walked at a brisk pace, they seemed eager to reach home. Both of them kept smiling. I guessed they had a wonderful day at school. When they reached close enough to me to speak, one of the two showed me the wrist watch and moved his hand in an expression of enquiring about the time of the train. When I told them about it, they had a look of dejection, but the very next moment, one of them smiled and took the other's hand in his own and said in a language that only the two could understand. Instantenously, his friend's face gleamed with joy. The very next moment, I understood that both could not speak.

It was a moment for which I was not prepared. There they were the two of those special children of God, who talked for the next two hours, in their own sign language!! What were the course of their conversation, I tried to guess a couple of times, but could simply not decipher. For the next two hours, I watched their hearts speaking to each other, radiating warmth and love of their special friendship for each other. They, in their own special way, reached out to me, when one of the two offered me snacks that he had carried with him. When, I thanked them with a smile, they accepted it with a smile in return.

I have never felt so helpless. I have never felt so thankful to the Almighty. It was just not a coincidence that we had two hours of our life's journey together. It was much much more. Words fail me to express what I felt in those two hours (and few days that followed). I was a bit shaken up for having taken so many things and so many people in my life for granted. Only when I think of the challenges that those two lads would be facing day in and day out, do I realise how I take life for granted!!!

They were special 'friends' that walked through my life. I do not know, whether I would ever meet them again. I would ever be grateful to them for having me taught life's most important lessons - without even uttering a single word- in their own special way!!!

I would always remember their radiant smiles when they waived me good bye, (both of them, holding a thumbs-up sign for me) - for one last time - before they disappeared in the madding crowds of Vasai station.

Thank you 'friends' for coming into my life. I am humbled!!!

...and it read thus....

".......So many things in my heart that i would love to say. the conceiving part always gets over the incubation period is superbly dealt with but it as at the time of delivery is that all my efforts fail.

Just a small example to prove this. i am currently reading Kane and Able by jeffrey Archer. can not relate? Prior to this I was reading Earnest Hemmingway's 'old man and the sea.' Still can not relate? I read the little prince, life beyond death, etc etc too. Now can you relate? No? Try now. I had a bookmark, which passed from one book to other constantly, keeping pages and do not know what not for me. Still Couldn't make out what i mean? Well then I must describe the bookmark. The bookmark isn't a postcard with scenery on it. Nor is it card strip with a lovely quote, nor is it a picture of my beloved....... . Just a few folded sheets of paper. I have not dared to open them but I know its not blank. I do not know why but whenever I look at it I get a feeling something that must not be revealed lies inside. But sometimes I feel its just waiting for me to reveal it. Sometimes I feel it is better not to dig the buried. Sometimes I feel that what is buried is still not dead but alive and awaits to breathe. (But this is not possible I had myself seen the ashes). But I must say whatever it is it depends on me and waits for me. It silently persuades me. When I deny, it rebels, sometimes(it has mastered the art of understanding the situation and rebels only when I am alone). But then I think what good it would do to anybody if it were brought out. But then again I think of 'phoenix'. Could it be the newborn? Must be (I sometimes hear the infant like cries). Or is it what I call the 'dead' itself.the phone just buzzed and it was you.

whatever it is but you can be sure of this that it will not go to the other books after this. nor is it going to keep pages for me in 'Kane & Able'. oh! i forgot to tell you one important thing. once few days back i had dared to look through the folds of the pages. i could manage to read the first line. It read 'dear Samir Bhaiya. ........"

What's it in him.......

What's in him that is so divine? What's in him that is so innocent, pure and pristine? I have tried to answer this many a times and have got the same answer. And he knows it!!!

He walked...

The signboard outside The Rakum School for the Blind read "Your five rupees would feed a child a day.." And He walked everyday a distance of about eight kilometres.......

Myth v/s Reality

Slowly, it sinks in.

You are invited to every party. But you have never really been a part of it. They made sure that you are just “too good” to be one amongst them. By inviting you, they have won a far greater battle than by ignoring you. Their smiles – acknowledging your presence amidst them – mocks at you in delight.

What is it that they are making you fight against?

Their own guilt? I guess not.

Their fear of loss of their own identity amidst the towering persona of yours? May be!

“Where do you have time to freak out with us? Aren’t you just too busy to waster your time with us”? - And he was never called for ‘freaking out’ or just ‘wasting his time’.

“We thought your phone would be busy, you know!” - And he never got any call.

“We thought you would not come” – And he was never invited.

Slowly, it sinks in.

The way to mar a man - IGNORE HIM.

He will die wondering what’s wrong with him!!!

..Bend in the road...!!!

Every moment is pre-destined...The turn on the road you take...the speeding car that you just short of bumped into....the screeching halt of the car...the fierce exchange of glances...suddenly turning into pleasant awes...Long lost acquaintance...What separates you both are the years in between...and your individual choices...But for the turn and the bend in the road...!!!

At Dhobighaat...

Far, far away from the pandemonium of urban life, there lie a topsy-turvy world oblivion to the city folks...You need not make an effort to reach there...You will be called for, when your time comes...Your feet will walk you there...Your eyes will find the direction...Don't even bother to ask "How far" or "Which way"...Your heart will tell you when you have reached there...One night, I was called there and since then I have returned there many a times, though not in person...

In the midst of all the mayhems of city life, lie a poignant place by itself, which people call "Dhobi Ghaat"...A rectangular blockade of water, surrounded by a stretch of concrete which in turn is surrounded by creepers and plants half grown, half neglected...The place itself is stingy, unkept, devoid of any brightness...But that's what exactly make it so serene, so calm...The only brightness that you might see is the flickering shadows of light floating in symphonic reflections from the surrounding apartments...On a lucky day you will see the moon smiling at you...

You park yourself on one of the benches alongside and you will see life unfolding in front of your eyes....Towards your right, sits a lone soul, motionless, deep in thought....so deep that his thoughts seem to float on the surface...his unkempt hair, his half-open book on his lap, his untied shoe string, all speaks about a life half-lived...Is he reflecting on his past or is he mulling over his future....you would never know....His eyes searches for some answers, the questions staring stark naked on his face....

If you look a little farther from there, your eyes will hold the beatific sight of an old couple...Their silence speak volumes, their eyes tell a story of life lived completely ... Their meloncholy of thoughts play itself in the look of their eyes...You feel profound and proud having shared few moments with the benign couple....

Move your head on your left and there you will see them...Two friends engrossed in the nostalgia of their past, each, describing their journey and how the chain of events has brought them together again - after ten years of separation...both of them having held themselves on a ray of promise to meet at this place...Can't you notice the small aura of celebration in the air surrounding them!!...

On a bench exactly opposite to you, a father helps his disabled young one to take little steps in what would be a long journey...the young one too terrified to take that small step, too innocent to understand the meaning of fall and pain...You cannot but help yourself send a little prayer for the toddler.....

As you gather your belongings and walk towards the gate...you take along with you, the search of the solitary soul, the bliss of the young couple, the love of the friends, the helplessness of the young father and... last but not the least, the innocence of the child....

Life would play itself again with the same emotions on another day with another characters...A part of you would remain there forever on the concretised path of "Dhobighaat" to watch it for one more time...

Your thought..

As the wheels of time take their turns....And the daily pandemonium wanes....The sky changes it's attire...I withdraw myself in my shell...And YOU come to my mind like a pole star....Directing me unto you...I am resurrected...A new me is born...Just by your thought!!!

..And the road in-between...

Down there, on the other side of the road, it laid there ....wrapped up in a rugged piece...it's body, pale, worn out, numb, cold....From this side of the road, he observed the sight for long, from the corner of his eyes, between the fragments of time snatched away from his nagging girlfriend sitting across his table...

Many a bodies-in-motion passed by that cold body....Many sighs, gnaws, pities, indifferences were left behind - to be lost, perhaps in the pandemonium of maddening clanking of wheels, the posterous pomping of the horns....Oblivious of all these,the body laid there, motionless....

First it was a feeling of restlessness in him....a little later awkwardness crept in....then something tore him apart from within, leaving his soul to bleed...he had long before forgotten the existence of any other human being in his vicinity, save that cold body and himself and the road that separated them...his thoughts hammered his soul, his conscience pricked him......he fought his conscience bravely, at first resisting himself to find something about that motionless body, seconds later finding an excuse to save himself the effort of putting self to any unforseeable trouble...

He had already lost the fight before it all began....

As his comfort zone gave away all the little that was saved of in him, in a split second, he made a decision that would, what would be the final blow - to his petulant conscience and to that still body on the other side of the road....in that one defining moment, he had sealed their fate....Hadn't he long before known the priceless wisdom of ignorance being bliss!!!....

A transient war was won...knowing well, that he had just committed the greatest crime against humanity....his soul, buried in the dark dungeons, finally laid to rest....he began sipping the hot chocolate coffee....smiling to the lass just accross his table.....

He was sure of one thing though....he would never be able to cross that road, ever again...

Has YOUR invitation arrived as yet???

Mortals forget. But they don’t. As we traverse through the multitudes of births and deaths embracing every form and shape, we carry forward our unbundled baggages. An act of kindness left unreciprocated manifests itself at some other time and space and in some other dimension traversing itself through the realms of this boundless infinity. A thought left blank does not ever get lost. It searches for it’s rightful place to be etched in some definite form. Every single event that happens and every single person that we meet aren’t from this life time alone. They all wander infinitely – through us, around us – until “the moment” arrives. We all meet at a pre-destined time zone, thanks to the universal conspiration of coincidence. “Nothing is a coincidence”. We all come into each other’s lives, the invitations for which have been delivered by Time many life times ago!!!

Knock! Knock!! Knock!!! …….Another invitation, ofcourse!!!!!

Morning dew...

Her face smiled at me as a fresh drop of early morning dew on a bright sunflower, radiating sunshine of my life. It instantly brought a smile on my face. Hers was the most pretty face I’ve ever seen. I wondered how she could be – there!!! Had she been here, I would have told her my dil-ki-baat!!! But THAT would never happen in this life-time. Her face smiled at me from the obit column of Page 4 of …..

(Dedicated to someone special, whose path I would not cross in this lifetime)

.......

Twenty seven years have passed by. The elemental forces have continued to act at it’s constant pace. Many seasons have come and gone. Bringing forth it’s moments of pain and pleasure. Deep down somewhere, I have remained the same.

Every person that touched upon my life was nothing short of a season. I say season, because, they come and go. I remember every one of them. Can we ever forget anything or anyone in this cosmic cycle? At certain points in time, I wished, they stayed back. With me. Or atleast - around me. But they had their own promises to keep and certain more lives to be touched upon. And so they went. Others have religiously filled in the vacuum created by the earlier. But nothing much the same.

I would not name any person or place here. Because those who will read this would know, when and where do I refer to them and would instantly connect with the same. Others, need not know their names. Either way, it does not matter.

I sit besides my window and see. The fluttering leaf has mellowed down. The clouds have given up their morning fight and now seem to make a pact with the soothing moonlight . The paper bits have traveled beyond my sight. A little farther away, the smoke has begun to rise.

Time for me to turn the page. And begin.

Here I come...

The start is always mystical. The end is ever unknown. Between the two lies the forces that connect the mystical with the unknown.

I see outside my window. A few leaves flutter from their twigs on the tree. Are they trying to hold on or to set themselves free? The dust rises, slowly gathering momentum. Bits of paper try to make their way on the dusty street. The clouds seem to juxtapose their position in a battle to hide the sun - the mighty - in the effort, losing a bit of itself.

The motion has been set in.

Here I come.