For you, Bhushan.

Some moments stay with you for eternity.

At 8000+ ft, he stopped suddenly and said : Sir, I want to sit here and cry. He looked straight at me, when he said these words to me.

I was taken aback for a while, but when I saw his misty eyes, I could understand the depth of his desire.

For the next few minutes he cried to his heart's content. I just stood there watching him. Speechless.

I am still speechless when I recall that incident. I am in awe of the fact that, God chose me, for that most intimate moment of his life. Could it not be any of the 29 of us? Was it a mere coincidence? Was it a sign of series of incidents that could happen to us?

My mind was fully occupied with these thoughts for the rest of trek. I had assumed that the whole thing would die down when we would both get back to our routine life. But it was not to be.

After long, I called him once, after receiving his mail. He told me then " It was one of the most precious day of my life...!!!"

Yet another signs of things to come. Yet another story in the making...

Thank you, Manu...

... for all those moments, when you might have filled your empty mind with my thoughts...

... for all those moments, when knowing that I couldn't be around you - you might have felt yourself still closer to me...

... for all those moments when I walk down the road, thinking about just you and Him... which invariably brings a smile to my heart...

... for all those days - and nights, too - when I could talk to you endlessly....

... for those moments of waiting at the platform for my train to arrive and for not sleeping the previous night.... lest you thought you would be late....

... for those moments of your creation of the exemplary poem - main tha main hoon - which at a later day would serve as a guiding light for someone - someone known and some others unknown to you....

... for bringing 'love' into my life...

... for those moments on the terrace of your flat amidst the chilled winter night, when you offered your warmth with your smiles...

... for those moments of rushing through the traffic hour and making it to my bus at the turn of the road... to see me off till the airport...

... for sharing glimpses from your past - your relations, your friends, your world...

... for all those cups of tea that kept me warm and refreshed at moments when i thought i would collapse...

... for those running between the office and the cafe and looking after whether i was fine and ordering a cup of coffee everytime, you thought, you couldn't give me enough time....

... for standing there for - ever - until my taxi drove away... and smiling as I saw you after I turned to see you for one more time...

... for those very special moments at Dhobighat, when I broke down before you - something which I consider a divine moment of my life - because it was not about crying, it was about the plan of the Almighty to have chosen that time, that space and those two of us....

... for those moments when you brought thousands of smiles to Ansh's face, becuase then I was releaved for Ansh... I knew then, he was in safe hands...

... and...

... for all those moments that will follow now onwards....

... moments of emptiness... of walking through the day amidst the knowledge of having you around and still not being able to hold you...

... moments of absolute void....

... moments of living through the days with the knowledge that I might never hear from you nor Him...

... moments that will take away my breathe in the midst of the night at the sudden flash of your and His thought....

Thank you very much, indeed... !!!

Hmm... Finally it's sinking in... slowly, but for sure... I will have to live with the knowledge that the persons I love most are angry with me... so much that, they might never talk to me again... All my attempts to get back to them have been in vain... Nothing seems to change their mind... Somehow I like their stubbornness... They atleast stand by their principles...!!! It pained in the initial days... Now that has started to heal... Time always does that... Slowly, the pain would erase... But can it erase the memories??? It would keep coming back... It does keep coming back... To Him I have told what place He has in my life... I have asked Him to perform a task that would liberate me forever... Well, He hasn't replied to it, as yet... But I am sure, He would one day... If not till the day I am here, definitely He would perform that task when I am there... Or rather on the day when I am there... That - His action - would liberate me...

I cannot ask for their forgiveness... 'Coz I know, I do not deserve that... The only redemption then, is for me to carry this realisation every moment of my life... All of a sudden this pang of emptiness crops up in the midst of a very busy work life... I remember the futility of all my attempts... I wonder - what would they be doing at that very moment... As I wonder at this moment when I am writing this... And of all those moments, which "could have been"...!!!

Am sorry Prem... Am sorry Manu... Am sorry Shampz... And am sorry Vishal... !!!

I have been trying to keep it under the wraps... it just keeps on popping out... all memories of my journey to find Him... to find true love... to find the person I love most... the journey is over... been there... except for a hint of Him that He gave me at the most unexpected moment... And then vanished... along the way, I lost myself too...

"Hope you get what you are going for?"... He had wished for me... What had I gone for in the first place...!! I had no idea then.. I have no idea now... I knew, I just had to go... the reason would just appear at it's appointed time... May be it did appear... May be, I was too gullible to understand the importance of that...

I wonder with amazement at how the things turned out... I had not in my wildest dreams had an inkling of this... But then, that's what life is all about... It always offers you the unexpected... True, I admit, I did commit one mistake... And now, for the rest of my life, I would redeem it...

I am not sad at the turnout of the events that followed... I am sad that - that - could all happen to me... to us...

True... There's road to heaven... And it's waiting for me...

Remains from my walk around Heavenly Abode..

What’s left behind is purely kaleidoscope of moments… From the long train journey in the Rajdhani…to an ecstatic journey on the top of bus back to base camp…Pristine scenic beauty…fluffy clouds… the esoteric mist…deadly cold winds… monsoon showers… the thunder and lightnings… Angelic Muskaan… The peaceful Lamas… Prayers on winds… A dream taking shape at 8500 ft amidst tears of happiness… Our first brush with the snow… Gardens of Edens… Wild and beautiful mountain flowers … By the flowing river… The question : Why is money so important in life?... The road leading to Heaven… Above the clouds at 13000 ft… The constant fights and scoldings… the giant giant fallen tree… Solitudeness… Deadly yet heavenly Peace… Meeting Him..Almost!!!... The one rupee debt of the old woman… Pine trees touching the sky, almost… The chilling 2 km snow slide… The song of the river… The prayers of the monks… The paintings of monastery… Being last in all the camps and the grace in being so… Tinku’s courage… Bhushan’s search… Sir’s loneliness… Himanshu’s hands of God… Tough, stylish and handsome guides… Community dinners at base camps… The skit we performed… Shampa’s unforgettable “Chirodine” renditions…and more...

A prayer

This is a prayer that has given me immense peace at all times.

Jaise suraj ki garmi se jalte hue tan ko
Mil jaaye taruvar ki chhaaya
Suraj ki garmi se jalte hue tan ko
Mil jaaye taruvar ki chhaaya
Aisa hi sukh mere mann ko mila hai
Main jab se sharan teri aaya, mere ram

Suraj ki garmi se jalte hue tan ko
Mil jaaye taruvar ki chhaaya
(Bhatka hua mera mann tha koi
Mil na raha tha sahaara) - 2
Laheron se ladti hui naav ko - 2
Jaise mil na raha ho kinaara
Mil na raha ho kinaara

Us ladkhadaati hui naav ko jo
Kisi ne kinaara dikhaaya
Aisa hi sukh mere mann ko mila hai
Main jab se sharan teri aaya, mere ram
Suraj ki garmi se jalte hue tan ko
Mil jaaye taruvar ki chhaaya
Sheetal bani aag chandan ke jaisi

Raaghav krupa ho jo teri - 2
(Ujiyaali poonam ki ho jaaye raatein
Jo thi amaavas andheri) - 2
Jo thi amaavas andheri
Yug yug se pyaasi marubhumi ne jaise
Saawan ka sandes paaya
Aisa hi sukh mere mann ko mila hai

Main jab se sharan teri aaya, mere ram
Suraj ki garmi se jalte hue tan ko
Mil jaaye taruvar ki chhaaya
(Jis raah ki manzil tera milan ho
Us par kadam main badhaaoon) - 2
(Phoolon mein khaaron mein patjhad bahaaron mein

Main na kabhi dagmagaaoon) - 2
Main na kabhi dagmagaaoon
(Paani ke pyaase ko taqdeer ne jaise
Jee bhar ke amrit pilaaya) - 2
Aisa hi sukh mere mann ko mila hai
Main jab se sharan teri aaya, mere ram
Suraj ki garmi se jalte hue tan ko

Mil jaaye taruvar ki chhaaya
Aisa hi sukh mere mann ko mila hai
Main jab se sharan teri aaya, mere ram
Suraj ki garmi se jalte hue tan ko
Mil jaaye taruvar ki chhaaya

Words.

This is a random list of words that I like the most. Why? One - They are profound in meaning. Two - They just sound so good.

1. Gullible.
2. Aavaran.
3. Arpan.
4. This point in time. (Ok.. this one is a phrase)
5. Hmm.. Hmm...
6. Labyrinth.
7. Aakash.
8. India.
9. Love.
10. Prayer.
11. Esplanade.
12. Mann.
13. Salvation.
14. Jeevan.
15. Yatra
16. Soul.
17. Nautanki.
18. Water.

Well... this list can go on and on... And i will add on to this... time and again...

Today, it's feeling of both - the ecstacy about realisation of the Ultimate Journey, and the agony of leaving it all behind. Though I am more elated about the Journey part of it.

A programme on Discovery Atlas, brought forth, a profound fact of Life - How many of us actually prepare for that Journey? Virtually, none!!! They believe, that Death is the Ultimate Fact of Life and yet, no one wants to sneak through the other side of The Door. We believe, as we live - that Life will go on forever. How about making small beginnings to know what lies Beyond that closed Door? How about asking those very people about life beyond - who are already there?

I feel amazingly light today. Suddenly, all the cobwebs of my mind seems to have faded away. Everything is very clear now. Finally I have had the courage to decide where I want to take my life. It's been a hell of a time, these last few days. Now, everything is clear. My life. My goal. My path. Everything's clear. Quite a few people have been instrumental in shaping me, my ideas and my thoughts. When I look back, I feel myself the luckiest person to have my life intercepted with theirs. Sunil, Prem, Mann, Poonam, Amar, Raj, Ansh, Wish, Shampz, Uncle, Aunt, Mad. Everyone of this, has a very special place in my heart. They have no clue, how their mere presence - 'somewhere' in this world, lightens up my life. And yes, I love them all. If only the word 'love' could convey my true feelings for them!!!

***

I have realized that God resides in each of us. And truly, it does not take any miracle to know this. A little conversation with your self everyday. That's what all it takes. I believe divinity lies in each of us. It truly does. He had made me realize this in the most amazing way. And I am ever grateful to Him!!!

***

I am at peace. Utmost peace. For the realisation has dawned upon me. The realisation has set me free!!!

"... hope you get what you are going for!!!"

...is what his message said. Very profound. He knows what am I going for. Am I going for some spiritual attainment or am I going for some personal atonement? I myself wouldn't know this at this point in time. But his message has surely triggered a thought process which will bring me face-to-face with my purpose...

***

He is related to me in three different ways. And I met him after years. Our paths just crossed. For the brief moments that he met me, he filled up the gap of years that passed by between our meetings. And what a transformation it had brought in him. I could sense in him the urgency of climbing from youth to adolescent to a gentleman. He seemed to have moved quiet naturally from one state to another. His thought process, his mannerisms, his language, all told me that he has matured much beyond his age. And how!!! I was glad to meet him.

***

It was one of my close friend's birthday yesterday. Close enough for having talked to each other for about now 2-3 long years. Nevertheless, the first thing I did in the morning was to wish that friend. Not expecting any thing back in turn, to my utter surprise, the friend called back. After all these years.

It only cemented one of my core belief once again. Some people never change!!!

"I asked you a very pertinent question today... Pertinent to my life... Maybe yours as well... It was definitely not out of any emotional drain up nor was it out of any extremist feelings... It was something that I always wanted to say, but could not somehow make myself confess it to you... Fear of rejection... fear of losing your respect... held me back all these years... But then how long could I have hold on to my feelings for you... I considered it prudent to convey it to you rather than not conveying it at all... I understand you are a free bird and I would let you the same... Though I would be glad if you would reciprocate it (It's one time in my life that I would like to be selfish here), you have your free will... Whatever be your decision, I hope you would give enough space to rationality - or the irrationality, depending on which side of the fence you are - in your decision making process... And yes, if you choose otherwise, nothing's gonna change between the two of us - the sanctity of our divine relationship...will remain forever... We had started with God... As in God I hope we know what we are doing... "